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Teacher: why are you late? Me: why does it matter? you still get paid, right? 
Talking about me behind my back? That means my life is obviously more interesting than yours.
Ladies, if you can't be with your crush... always look fabulous. someday he may wanna be with YOU!
Don't stand too close to the heater honey, plastic melts
Some people can kill two birds with one stone.... I on the other hand can kill 2 pigs with one bird!
The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.
THUNDERSTICK 5000: Replacing boyfriends since... ummm... gee... (scratches head)... ummm... (Googles)... well, ummmm... way before xbox!
Why the "McRib" which is made from "McAss" and tastes like "McPuke" is so popular, is beyond my comprehension!
The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln
A wise man once said: You can't be old & wise, if you were never young & crazy.
If I get a tattoo of a grape, in time when I age, will it gradually transform itself into a raisin?
"Danger" is my middle name!! Unfortunately "Stranger" is my first.
Does anybody know if their is a place hiring someone too stand there and look pretty cuz I have a PhD in that sh*t...
I like to get paid daily and laid daily. Does anyone know how I can combine the two?
Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.
I'd like to thank the TSA for keeping Americans safe by taking that full-body scan naked photo of my Mom.
We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.
So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!
Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your girlfriend
Want to surprise you girlfriend? Introduce her to your boyfriend.. :O
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