Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Some girls say that they need a boyfriend to keep them warm in the winter. I just bought a coat

   Having your cell phone clipped to your belt is helpful for letting everyone know that you won't be getting laid tonight.

   Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure… it's called a credit card.

   THIS JUST IN: Hooters seeks extra support due to unprecedented sagging.

   It would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   If this really was a popularity contest I think you'd have to agree we all lose.

   The problem with having so many followers is that simple jokes are now beneath me. Like your mother.

   Teenagers dancing these days looks like sex standing up. Go back to Sluts-R-Us ladies.....

   Apparently Facebook is now Rated...NC-17?!

   Newt Gingrich just said he was "a pretty good debater" I wish he would have said he was a "master debater" instead so I could write something funny about it!

   The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!

   The saddest part about my neighbor demanding I not serve booze to her kids is finding out they're not cool dwarfs who like to party.

   My dad never loved me as a child, you can't really blame him though I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   it wouldn't be a second chance if it was the same mistake, it would be a third.

   It's funny to hear someone talk normally and then all of a sudden throw in a huge word. EX: "Yo, dude I was walking down the street with my bro and suddenly this hot girl walks by and I was like, 'Damn, that ass is quite prepossessing.'".

   If Apple created the iHouse, it wouldn't have any Window.

   I'm not saying she is a $lut or anything, but if her v@gina was password protected, it would probably be "1234"

   Before looking for intelligent life on planets found in other solar systems, maybe we should look for it on our own planet..

   (on facebook) Friend 1: ugh, I feel so crap I hate my life. Friend 2: aww babe whats wrong??. Friend 1: inbox? Friend 2: yeah okay. Rest of us: well f*ck you then.

   Who needs dementors to suck out your soul when Mondays exist.