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Some damn people would not be born if alcohol was never invented. 
Even though he was voiced by James Earl Jones, Darth Vader definitely wasn't black because he never would have admitted he was Luke's father.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy
Hey Muslims, if you want 72 virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.
God... I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect
Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good. But when it's bad... it's still pretty good!
student loans are just like Justin Bieber, they will not go away,no matter how much you wish they would.
I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts. I don't have an addiction. It's just an awesome way of meeting DTF girls!
I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Thanks to the State Farm Insurance Commercial now I want a Falcon
Don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.
Now matter how old you are, No matter how much you think you're a Badass.. If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it!
How come I never got invited to eat tacos outside Bills office?
If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's a delightful animated Disney classic about a woman learning her place....
The sinking of the Titanic was tragic. At least we're doing everything we can to make sure something similar never happens again today by melting all icebergs.
I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.
My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together
This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.
When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario 