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LIKE if you reply ”LMFAO” ”ROFL” “LOL” and you're clearly just sitting there emotionless as a robot. 
Facebook needs these 3 buttons: “Dislike”, “Who cares”, “Are you an idiot?”
Naughty phrases you can only say on Thanksgiving: Just wait your turn youll get some! You still have a little bit on your chin! Its cool whip time! Its a little dry do you still want to eat it? If I undo my pants I'll burst.
Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones. Which is funny, because people of Abu Dhabi do.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.
If I had a CrystalBall... I'd be very careful every time I sat down.
Whenever I'm leaving the schools bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting,we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office
I'm a leader, not a follower.. Unless it's a dark place, then screw it, you're going first!
My girlfriend wants something for Christmas that goes 0-200 in 3 seconds...So I think I will get her a scale.
Chocolate helps everything..exept obesity..
This holiday season, keep it green...smoke joints, not cigarettes.
Me and all my old pals all reconnected over some beers last night! ...Besides, that AA meeting really made us all thirsty.
I want to name a race horse "my face”, that way everyone will be shouting “come on my face!"
#HeyWendy, stop naming every #cheeseburger after your dad. I don't need to know that he's 'hot n' juicy', it's weird.
the odds of going to the store for one item, and coming out with only one item, are a billion to one.
Turkey✓, Stuffing✓, Mashed potatoes✓, Pumpkin pie✓.... Pajama Jeans to stuff my fat ass in: PRICELESS.
Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.
Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me.
I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.
"And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher 