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My girlfriend wants something for Christmas that goes 0-200 in 3 seconds...So I think I will get her a scale. 
Chocolate helps everything..exept obesity..
This holiday season, keep it green...smoke joints, not cigarettes.
Me and all my old pals all reconnected over some beers last night! ...Besides, that AA meeting really made us all thirsty.
I want to name a race horse "my face”, that way everyone will be shouting “come on my face!"
#HeyWendy, stop naming every #cheeseburger after your dad. I don't need to know that he's 'hot n' juicy', it's weird.
the odds of going to the store for one item, and coming out with only one item, are a billion to one.
Turkey✓, Stuffing✓, Mashed potatoes✓, Pumpkin pie✓.... Pajama Jeans to stuff my fat ass in: PRICELESS.
Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.
Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me.
I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.
"And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher
If your Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" it's not really that hard to understand. Most of your friends have already figured out you're past the online formalities and are officially into stalking stage.
My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her... I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses."
Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.
What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!
If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause
People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"
Whoever came up with the term "one tough cookie" had no idea about the structural integrity of baked goods.
Just because you attract a lot of nasty skanks does not mean you're a stud. It means that your own kind recognizes you. 