SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.

   Turns out they'll sell a wizard hat to just anybody!

   Having blue teeth would be cooler than wearing a Bluetooth.

   You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.

   My homeboy's got girl problems, so I'm at some dive bar offering bro-side assistance. That's code for whisky shots.

   Oh don't act like you never lean forward while pushing down on the gas pedal to go faster.

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.

   Whipped cream in a pie tin is not a pie. Stop wasting our time, clowns.

   The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.

   Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.

   If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

   Just replace the Star of David with a UFO, and now this nativity scene depicts the birth of Suri Cruise!

   That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.

   America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).

   When I watch TV alone, my thumb is like a park bench for my nuts.

   Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.

   When you grow up you get better gifts for being naughty.

   My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

   If you think high waisted pants look good ur high and wasted.