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Knowing when to shut the hell up is a gift very few people are born with. 
Idk what it is about this morning but I'm feeling really homy... Did you read that wrong too?
Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.
The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.
Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.
Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.
Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs
Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.
Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.
Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!
I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.
Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.
B!tch please! Your bra has more stuffing than a teddy bear.
I can't wait til the kids go back to school and all the people who are supposed to be working start posting again.
I'm Not Lazy. Someone Just Stole My Motivation. I'm the Victim here!!!
One thing that will always remain true: There is no cool way to run with a backpack
Alcohol: Because no good story ever starts with "So this one time I was eating a salad..."
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