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Love is like a game, Some people Cheat and some prefer to play it fair. 
im gassy while watching the news... imma go occupy the toilet
Some woman has just said to me... Oh it's the last day of November, are you going to be shaving your tash"... No darling I'm keeping it, what about yours ?
The best thing about sex is that part where I have it.
There is no "i" in liar
Like this status Ladies and I'll take you to see the Muppets Movie.
The best way to watch the new Adam Sandler film 'Jack & Jill' is to rip it to DVD, let it play on your TV, and then set your house on fire.
Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.
When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.
The Breakfast Club ruined detention shenanigans for the rest of us.
My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty."
Scientific fact: You do in fact have a wonderful Christmas time when you don't hear that awful Paul McCartney song.
Life doesn't come with a remote, so get off your a$$ and change it.
We may hate drunk people, but at the end of the day, they are the ONLY ones who speak the real TRUTH!
Dear Santa I've been good all year! Ok most of the time. I Mean once in a while. Oh...F*ck it, I'll buy my own sh#t.......
The Vatican's chief exorcist says yoga is a satanic practice, which means yoga just got about 11,000,000% cooler.
There are times that I think that her lazy eye is just playing hard to get.
A boy named Suh just gave up a lot of Johnny Cash.
I'm not sure what color you guys should change your avatars to, but Starbucks is out of bran muffins.
Curious George books are a great way to teach kids that single men who wear large yellow hats and own pet monkeys are in no way threatening.
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