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I'm just like Rebecca Black...it takes me until Friday to decide whether I'm sitting in the front or back seat. 
Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.
One day I wanna copy someone's status word for word and see if they notice.
The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch
I'm trying not to judge, but your silver front teeth scream "Medi-Cal".
"i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target
If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.
If my girlfriend f*cked liked she whines, I would be the luckiest guy ever.
if men had periods, would they brag about the size of their tampons?
Always be true to yourself. But feel free to lie to everyone else as needed.
Anybody that says "I don't know what I did to deserve this" knows exactly what they did to deserve it.
My relationship is definitely gaining ground. The judge reduced the restraining order from 400 to 100 feet.
If you ever see Rick Ross running, call the police.
Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses
You know you are ugly when your profile pic is never you.
Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"
Some have so big egos that they probably get off in front of a mirror
When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.
Wanna have some fun? Put a stethoscope around your neck, walk into a hospital waiting room and say "I have very bad news for one of you... I'll be back." Then walk out.
1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands,7 seas, over 6 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you. 