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Randomly text your friends "I lost my phone, can you please call it?"... If they call it, it is important you keep them as close friends, they will be prove of great value when the zombies come. 
"Days of Our Lives" could also be called "Men who dye their hair"
"I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you were arguing with yourself over the phone and got upset when you hung up."
It just baffles me that bacon is not legal tender yet.
Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Life is to short to bicker and cry before we die.....
I went to a Muslim strip club last night, everyone was shouting "SHOW US YER FACE"
I keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me..
untangling apples headphones in under 30 seconds should qualify you for surgery in most countries
This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it's better than all the other ones.
Ladies, if you ever want a guaranteed call from your man, just send him to the grocery store without a shopping list.
Christmas parties are really just birthday parties for Jesus that he's too cool to show up for
Tonight's itinerary: watch MMA fight, go to hockey game, drink beer, scratch my balls.
My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too.
Jake from State Farm is one ugly woman!!
Horse cops would be way cooler if they didn't have people cops riding them. Just horses with a gun and a badge. And a taste for justice.
Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.
Big girls take photos from the neck up.
I'm going to open a gym on January 1, 2012 and call it "Irony Fitness." It 's only going to be open for two months. 