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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.
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12-10-2011 11:38 by
MC Mandela
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How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?
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12-10-2011 11:34 by
SuthernFukr
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Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.
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12-10-2011 11:33 by
SuthernFukr
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I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.
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12-10-2011 11:33 by
SuthernFukr
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Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.
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12-10-2011 11:26 by
BEGO
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Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?
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12-10-2011 11:26 by
SuthernFukr
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I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!
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12-10-2011 11:26 by
BEGO
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My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.
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12-10-2011 11:24 by
SuthernFukr
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Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"
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12-10-2011 11:20 by
SuthernFukr
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The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range
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12-10-2011 11:10
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whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
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12-10-2011 08:01
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wth I go on google to see the eclipse .. I type in moon and get a bunch of as$ pics
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12-10-2011 07:19 by
randygalaxy
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I used to think that the 2 separate things that irritated me most in life were: 1) Stupid People and 2) Traffic. That was until I witnessed stupid people driving in traffic, then it's HYSTERIA.
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12-10-2011 07:00 by
CK
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I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..
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12-10-2011 06:42 by
mark
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Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"
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12-10-2011 06:06 by
flinnie
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When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
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12-10-2011 06:02 by
flinnie
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One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.
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12-10-2011 06:00 by
flinnie
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This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.
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12-10-2011 05:59 by
flinnie
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FYI: In the hip-hop community he's known as Li'l Drummer Boy.
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12-10-2011 05:58 by
flinnie
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Did you know if you go into google search and type in "askew" the page will shift to the right? Go try it!
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12-10-2011 05:31 by
Master Weegsta
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