Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   If it weren't for the fact that my bed is so far away from my computer, some days I wouldn't exercise at all.

   Shout out to the illegal aliens that are down to earth

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?

   I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range

   whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   wth I go on google to see the eclipse .. I type in moon and get a bunch of as$ pics

   I used to think that the 2 separate things that irritated me most in life were: 1) Stupid People and 2) Traffic. That was until I witnessed stupid people driving in traffic, then it's HYSTERIA.

   I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.