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WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now. 
I am buying a 2013 diary this year because I am an optimistic SOB.
Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.
I've never liked race related jokes, probably because I wasn't much of a runner
Congratulations to Amy Winehouse... on 4 months of sobriety.
why dont gas stations have black friday specials
Note to self: Try not to run out of TP the day after thankgiving....Now I'm gonna need a 40 ounce beer and a few "disco biscuits" to deal with all these "Black Friday" freaks!
When the police car has its lights and sirens on it means the cop wants to race, right?
Today I'm thankful for Call of Duty, saving young girls virginity and ruining marriages since 2003.
Today in Germany millions of turkeys are giving thanks for being German turkeys
I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there's one."
Teenage girls: stop making the duck face in all your photos. I don't know who told you it was attractive cause it isn't. You look quite stupid and immature, not to mention ugly. Mostly stupid. Real stupid.
I hate it when Facebook doesn't trust me while sending friend request.
It doesn't matter how old you are, if a balloon is about to hit the floor, you dive for that s**t!
Black Friday...the day when normal people turn into zombies armed with shopping carts.
If you were to combine all the holidays, you'd eat turkey, give presents, hide eggs, light fireworks, and dress like a sIutty nurse all in the same day.
I saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn't.
While your looking for deals this black Friday....I'll be at your house finding a better deal
watching the charlie brown special...i think peppermint patty & marci are thankful for each other
Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?
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