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My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show. 
Close mindedness is the most abject form of blindness.
Can you imagine how scary the Wendy William's Pushing Out a Baby Face looks?
"I wasn't that Drunk" "Dude, you told me to give you a ride home... when the party was at your house."
Why do women even try to talk about football? Do you see guys in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies?
You CAN'T tell me that "Wendy Williams" Has Never, Wrestled For WWF.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Welcome to ATLANTA where we have three different sexes: Male, Female and Wendy Williams.
I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.
Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.
If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Just replace the Star of David with a UFO, and now this nativity scene depicts the birth of Suri Cruise!
That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.
America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).
When I watch TV alone, my thumb is like a park bench for my nuts.
Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.
If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."
When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.
Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake
Just got back from my high school Football coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off". 