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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!" 
"Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.
The best reply when someone texts you,"K." : Well Potassium to you too, you b@stard.
Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.
Girl in new relationship: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL! A week later...after she catches him cheating: THAT NO GOOD &*(^! I'LL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Next day: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL!
If you go through life without giving a "F" then you are only living a Li[ ]e.
Given today's gas prices, Ludacris should consider finding hoeZ in the same area code.
Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...
I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.
Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don't want anything, then they start to eat your fries
Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.
its beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Walking with 3 people on the sidewalk, and ending up in the back behind them.
Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.
Are we still saving whales? My basement is getting pretty full.
Politicians are almost always viewed on camera from the waist up during speeches and debates because their pants are OBVIOUSLY on fire.
I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you asked me to give you a ride home & the party was at your house"
what? sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of me not giving a f***.
wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story"
I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you yelled Team Jacob to my dog!" 