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The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to 
The party dont start till I log in.
I am really loving the chill, no drama, non-psycho, emotionally stable chick that you're pretending to be.
She's not the sharpest marble in the crayon shed.
You say you belong to Jesus but half of your profile pics are X-rated.
Barely 24 hours left to be nice, then its naughty naughties all over again
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Tarzan and Jane are the ultimate swingers.
My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....
How much stuff is hidden on a Mobile Phone is directly proportional to how quickly the owner snatches it back from you !
Flash Mob. My Place....bring Wrapping paper!
When somebody says you've changed, it's only because you stopped living your life their way.
I'm just tryin' to stay ahead of my shadow.
"Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”...."
Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in.
all I want for christmas is you... just kidding, get me diamonds.
Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk.
business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise....
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!" 