When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.
My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!
You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'
I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please." "A present for somebody?" asked the assistant. I said, "Yes, it's my pitbull's birthday."