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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. 
Tarzan and Jane are the ultimate swingers.
My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....
How much stuff is hidden on a Mobile Phone is directly proportional to how quickly the owner snatches it back from you !
Flash Mob. My Place....bring Wrapping paper!
When somebody says you've changed, it's only because you stopped living your life their way.
I'm just tryin' to stay ahead of my shadow.
"Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”...."
Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in.
all I want for christmas is you... just kidding, get me diamonds.
Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk.
business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise....
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!"
According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here..
saw a nun in a wheelchair and all I could think.. Virgin Mobile.
Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.
Alcohol is not the answer. IT JUST MAKES YOU forget the question.
If Prince Charming should show up, tell him I'll be at the bar waiting.
You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table...
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