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There is just never enough Cashiers at Walmart! The only time there's enough cashier at Walmart is in the morning at 8am, when no is really thinking about shopping. 
Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room!
I do the perfect imitation of a slug being poured salt on when my mom turns the light on in my room this early
I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it...you judgmental fat bastard!
Remember Christmas is a time for giving, so give generously, I accept credit cards, checks and cash.
Whoever said "you can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me wipe my a$$ with the last sheet of toilet paper.
like a Candy Cane – sweet but very twisted
Please remember a doggy is not just for Christmas….It's a great position all year round!
The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents. Shame about the puppy.
i have 2 sisters,one 14 and the other 6. the 14 year old was arguing with the 6 year old and said" SANTA ISN'T REAL!" without blinking,the 6 year old said"neither is edward cullen!" I don't wanna be mean so i'll say this,one ran away crying.
I know I am not the only one who stares at the stuff on the tissue after you blow your nose.
Whenever I'm frustrated, I like picturing my enemies being d!ck-slapped in the face. ..not by mine of course. I wanna hurt em, not kill em
Christmas is not about what your home looks like, it's about love and sharing.
Theres always that cart at walmart with an oval wheel. I'm all like "I wanna go look at games!" but its like "Nah b!tch, we're going to produce"
Don't be disappointed if the person you love doesn't love you, because God has said "This is my world and even I couldn't make my every creation love me"
What's the best age to abandon your children around the holidays so they can grow up to write decent blues music?
I wish the phrase “I had my tree flocked” was as dirty as it sounds.
One would think it impossible for Turkey Jerky to actually taste as revolting as it sounds. One would be wrong.
I just cleaned out the fireplace so that "Santa won't get dirty". I did it for my son because I love him, even though he's delusional.
I went to the garage today to unpack Christmas decorations. I found a present from last year that I had forgotten to give the kids. I was so disappointed! They would really have loved that kitten. 