Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   Happy National Gift Card Day!

   I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is just the sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   Should I be worried that Santa just de-friended me?

   Why is my wife asking me for a watch for christmas? She already has one on the microwave and oven!

   Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don't mix it up this year!

   Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.

   I believe that I am the only one that gets that Walmart buggy with the deformed wheel.

   Just a quick post, to wish you all a merry politically-correct non-denominational 'Winterfest'-type holiday, and a happy Gregorian calendar reset.

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.

   Christmas and St. Paddy's Day are the busy season for midgets.

   As a kid, did you ever see Santa claw himself down the chimney and make fun of your pyjamas? My shrink claims it never happened!

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary-then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is!

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.