Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Everytime I've had to buy a pregnancy test for a woman and it comes up negative Joe Cocker's Feeling Alright plays loudly in my head.

   In Australia, lawsuits are just what lawyers wear to court.

   Feeling self conscious? Just watch me "walk" on stairs! My bad knees makes newborn giraffes look like ballerinas.

   New Years Resolution eat & Drink Healthy..................Weed & Vodka = Greens &Potatoes

   As much as I get poked, you think I'd be FB pregant by now.

   I know my dream woman is out there.. and that her boring friend is the one into me..

   will not be available to post bail on the 31st, due to a previous engagement

   I hate it when I take the time to peek in your window on a winter's night and you don't have the decency to look sexy. Its frickin' cold out here damn it!!

   Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

   Winter trees at sunset have the look of a lonely old man realizing there will be no visitors today.

   Luckily for me, my future cancer will go along quite nicely with my current personality.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine

   My skull organ no work so good this day.

   New Years Eve Drinking Game: Everytime someone says "See you next year!" take their beer puncn them and chug said beer.

   2012: get rich or die Mayan!

   Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

   just enjoying a nice hot bath with candles and a glass of wine and then the neighbors came home. I have never seen them so mad.

   It's Hard for me to catch feelings, and Easy for me to lose them.

   If you're flirting with a women and she asks "Are you coming onto me?" whisper in her ear "I never pull out."

   Shakespeare once said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."