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I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard. 
Just smoked some dried cat poop that I thought was weed, and now I think I'm turning Siamese!
Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.
Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.
I truly believe that every one of you have that one tweet in you that could change the world or remind me to change the bong water.
its saturday and cartoons are on!
It takes a lot of nerve to speak out against gay anything while wearing a sweater vest.....
To you it's copyright infringement, to me it's a remix.
Big girls don't cry. Well, not tears. It's a combination of chocolate, movie popcorn butter, and broken dreams.
I could win American Idol if they just let me bring my shower on stage.
Somewhere in the ghetto is a family that leaves the lights on in the kitchen so the roaches don't take over at night!
Doggystyle makes every chick pretty.
I think my DVR caught a virus or STD, somehow it recorded Jersey Shore on its own and wont allow me to delete 'em
'Amber Alert' would be a bada$$ name for a stripper.
Do I really have to explain why I love you? Okay fine. I love you because you give good head.
It's always funny when a basic chick tries to pass herself off as a model.
Fellas: Never let your woman talk you into painting her nails. You might as well give her your balls too.
She asked him, "What kind of wedding would you want?" He replied, "The one that would make you my wife."
" Grandpa, do you still do Sex?? ", Grandpa: "Yes Son, we do Oral sex.", " How? ", Grandpa: " I tell your Grandma Fuck you, She says Fuck you too " !!
thinks they should make one of those laser pointer things that instantly detect STD's so you can point it at people when they try to shake your hand or hug you. 