Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A salesman hugs a girl. GIRL: What the hell is this? SALESMAN: It is direct marketing. GIRL: *slaps him* SALESMAN: What was that? GIRL: A customer's feedback!

   been married for 20 years and has sex almost every day....almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.....

   I'm not superstitious. Stitious, yes, but not in a heightened sense. I am, however, super lazy sometimes.

   Why does it have to be believer versus atheist? Can't we all just look down on those astrology weirdo's?

   I know today is starting out to be a bad day, even my Rice Krispies went SH*T,CRAP,AND F*CK .

   Patients To An Indifferent Medical Staff At A Penile Implant Clinic: "Can't we all just get a long?"

   F a New Years Resolution, I want another year to goof off.

   If you can't afford a Doctor, go to an airport- you'll get a free xray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda , you'll get a free colonoscopy.

   Note to self for when I'm ready to take over the world: Kiwi and corn in the same day turns a cute baby into a deadly environmental disaster.

   National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

   Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

   When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.

   My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.

   When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.

   I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."

   Nobody knows the person you no longer want to be like your family.

   just took crocs off a man sleeping in the airport & threw them in the trash because it was the right thing to do

   Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.

   The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.