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Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk. 
business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise....
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!"
According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here..
saw a nun in a wheelchair and all I could think.. Virgin Mobile.
Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.
Alcohol is not the answer. IT JUST MAKES YOU forget the question.
If Prince Charming should show up, tell him I'll be at the bar waiting.
You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember where I should of stopped drinking.
I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching... my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
I love photos because they never change EVEN when the person in it changes.
Do slutty girls say, "that what I said" jokes?
I was drunk when I had my picture taken for my drivers license. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don't have to worry.
Don't be upset that your dreams didn't come true, just be glad your nightmares didn't.
Wiping makeup off of your shoes after a long day of kicking sluts in the face.
every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before.
Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.
Sick of spilling alcohol on your clothes? Drink naked....you'll end up that way eventually
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