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Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes. 
Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.
How do male civil unions not end with the phrase "I dude"?
I love Pandas, they`re so chill. They`re like "Dude, racism is stupid. I`m White, Black, and Asian..."
That moment when you get a sweet text & you just sit there smiling at your screen like a weirdo.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo?
whats long and black?........the unemployment line!
my son farts on me and laughs. I fart on him and he cries, he has a lot of growing up to do.
I want to see if I can make it 2 full days before Santa puts me back on the "bad boys" list again this year, where I belong. So I'm going to wait til tomorrow before I go back to my normal status updates.
My mom found an issue of Bondage & Pain Magazine under my mattress when I was still living at home. She asked my dad what she should do... My dad said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"
Facebook IM. Me: I txted you earlier. Her: oo my phone is broke... Her status two mins later.. "Out to the mall" via mobile
Apparently waking your girlfriend up with oral sex is only romantic if you're the giver.
Dear Ladies: Wear more confidence than makeup.
The only time a guy cares about a girl's hair is when she's tying it up to give him a blowjob
Every time a white guy sags his pants, somewhere in the world, a black baby grows up with a father.
During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering
People have to stop drinking from wells they didn't dig.
My ass and Charmin Ultra Soft is a better love story than Twilight.
My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.
The world would be a better place without guns. Then we could focus on important things...like how to kill a man with one punch.
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