totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?

   I still don't understand why these Christmas Carolers get spooked so easily....They act like they've never had a potato gun fired at them before! ツ

   <----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!

   Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   Due to the coal shortage Santa will be giving Nickelback CD's to all the bad kids this year!

   Conrad Murray got 4 years in the slam for killing Whacko Jacko......But he's feeling much better about the outcome since Lindsay Lohan assured him he'd probably be released in about 12 hours...

   I bought my girlfriend a 10lb bag of future diamonds for Christmas...Thank you Kingsford!

   I bought myself a shiny new toy that goes from zero to 215 in just three seconds......L.E.D bathroom scales! ツ

   Note to self: Try not to run out of TP the day after thankgiving....Now I'm gonna need a 40 ounce beer and a few "disco biscuits" to deal with all these "Black Friday" freaks!

   I wish I hadn't watch the "Deadly Women" marathon on the I.D. channel before Thankgiving dinner....The meal is a little harder to enjoy when your inspecting the turkey for aresenic!

   I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ

   I think I may be getting too old for a holiday metro vest and skinny jeans....Which most likely explains the weird looks I was getting when I split my pants while shopping at Hot Topic!

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   I just noticed that giving the Kirby vacuum salesman a pot brownie made the price of the unit much more negotiable! ツ

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   I thought I saw an "Occupy Wall Street" support group tonight....Turns out it was just a dozen city cops occupying Dunkin' Donuts.

   Less than 2% of people polled believed former Penn State coach Jerry San-butt-sky's claims of innocence in an interview last night which makes him even less popular than male pole dancing among the American public!

   Whats up this video of a dude with a huge zit on the back of his neck going around facebook?.....I'd rather be stuck at the bottom of "Mike & Molly's" ass pile than have to watch some wonderlick pop a giganic tumor-like pustule!

   I have a very busy Sunday planned today......Watching football and Nascar while converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. ツ