Mick F Funny Status Messages

   My optic nerve crossed with my a$$hole, and gave me a sh*tty outlook on life.

   Look. If there's a chick wearing a dog collar in her profile pic, she's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   Q. What's DNA stand for? A. National Dyslexics Association

   Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber

   What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association

   All my life I've blamed myself for having a weight problem. Turns out it was my mom's fault. It's not that she prepared fattening dishes, or made me eat a lot. It's just that instead of having an egg in her uterus, she had bacon.

   Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   How do you say "virgin" in Dutch? Goodentight.

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   What has 50 legs and smells like urine? The Conga line at the nursing home's "Annual Harvest Moon Dance".

   When it comes to certain people. The best part of them is the part that ran down their daddy's leg.

   Okay. You have the perfect marriage. Fine. Your grandkids are the greatest ever. Fine. You have a nice car and boat. Fine. Stick em all up your a$$. Fine.

   Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

   I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

   Dear God, Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn't got any. Love, Paul XXX

   I'm an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi*gra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2040, there should be a lot of old people with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   I'm not going to apologize for it, cause the truth is I'd do it again.