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"This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?" - married couples in 5 years 
I told my cousin to embrace her mistakes. she cried. then she hugged her children.
I'm not really afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of Human stupidity and error.
My wife asked me "when youre on a boys weekend do you think of me?" apparently 'only to stop me coming too soon' was the wrong answer!
"touch wood", not everything I say is misunderstood for a sexual euphemism!
when people say "f°°k this s°°t" is that really a command?
im at A & E just a quick word of warning the dyson ball cleaner is not what you think it is `
not always a big fan of the story God is using us to tell.... but has to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.
the proud sponsor of this "I don't give a f**k" expression I currently have whilst you complain about everything!
Yes Google/Gmail, I know already! Enough with the reduced privacy policy reminders. You want to make it easier for the government to track us. Yeah yeah I get it!!
I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.
Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy.
Bros over Hoes! ...Unless she's not a hoe.
Americans will spend $17.6 BILLION on Valentine's Day. On average men spend $169. Women spend $86.
Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.
Fellas: Make it a Valentine's Day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it.
"I have four dates for Valentine's day!" "Oh really? Who?!" "My computer, my bed, food, and my dog.."
Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.
My homosexual dyslexic mate cant wait for February the 14th..........He thinks its Vaseline Day!!!!
thinking about how I'm going to pop the question and I think I'm going to do it in a simple manner and ask with a straight face "So hunny...what's for dinner?" 