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I feel like Eminem right now. Not because I'm rapping but because I have vomit on my sweater already...moms spaghetti 
I had a pet hamster, my idiot brother put a sweater over it and next thing I know, Bam!!! dammm hamster is making millions and rap videos for KIA in my old hoodie!!! Can you imagine what this dog and cat are thinking.....
I hate the expression "Is it just me or...." Of course it's just you or I'd have said it as well
I hope the one night stand was worth the free trip to TGI Friday's and the box of Whitman's Chocolates.
My wife just shouted from another room "can you come to the phone" I shouted back "what sort of distance are we talking"
to the person copying and rewording jokes from sickipedia dot org your not making them anymore funny
I'm obsessed with the tv show "Hoarders". I have 12 episodes on my DVR that I already watched, but I won't delete.
Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.
I'm getting suspicious about my doctor, I think he's trying to turn me into MJ or Whitney on the slide......
Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and evict them.
I'm trying to break my record of 4 wanks in an hour, I'm abit tired I hope I can do it. My sisters pulling for me
Even if you try and slip it in, they still know it's coming
My boss just said can you come in my office. It turns out we meant different things
it bad that everytime I see a blind person and their dog I want to honk like I'm about to hit them and see what they do?
Since when does "I'm wanking" sound like "come in"
Shakira attacked by a Sea Lion.. early reports show that it could attack again whenever, wherever
This traffic cop obviously has not heard that 60 is the new 30...
I wish folks would stop these Passive Aggressive attempts at trying to guilt us into advancing their religious, social, or political causes by ending the posts with, "Let's see how many of my true friends will post this." PI$$ OFF!
I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard. 