lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   ..walked into a butchers and saw some meat hanging from the ceiling. The butcher said he'd give me $100 if I i could jump up and touch them. I said "no" and he asked why. I said "Because the steaks are too high."

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   My grandmother has false teeth. I can't believe a word she says.

   ..was reading the bookThe Dog That Never Dies. She couldn't put it down.

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   glad she has pajamas with pockets. Now she doesn't have to hold things while she sleeps.

   It was so cold this morning she actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!

   ..time is precious so be careful who you waste it on.

   very temperamental - 50% temper and 50% mental.

   ..wonders why is there a man in the bottom corner of her TV playing charades?

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   ..is wearing an Arnold Schwartzenegger costume for Halloween..and with a mouthful of candy,she will sound just like him!

   ..bets living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing, There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'

   not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am...