SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.

   Christmas and St. Paddy's Day are the busy season for midgets.

   As a kid, did you ever see Santa claw himself down the chimney and make fun of your pyjamas? My shrink claims it never happened!

   Just drank warm orange juice after I had brushed my teeth, and now reciting "Jabberwocky" in Spanish is my only means of communication.

   Watch out, I'm in just the mood to steal someone's armadillo today.

   What's the best age to abandon your children around the holidays so they can grow up to write decent blues music?

   I wish the phrase “I had my tree flocked” was as dirty as it sounds.

   One would think it impossible for Turkey Jerky to actually taste as revolting as it sounds. One would be wrong.

   I just cleaned out the fireplace so that "Santa won't get dirty". I did it for my son because I love him, even though he's delusional.

   I went to the garage today to unpack Christmas decorations. I found a present from last year that I had forgotten to give the kids. I was so disappointed! They would really have loved that kitten.

   Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.

   For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids.

   You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless.

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.