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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean? 
I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.
She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.
In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.
While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer
They say honesty is the best policy. I dunno who"they"are so until they come forward ima lie like hell...
When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent's condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.
Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.
If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web, but no spider. This foreclosure crisis is really getting out of hand
It's hard to tolerate the ramblings of an intelectually deficient redneck, but then I remember that the were likely "born this way"....you know...with an extra chromosome.
I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.
Want to clear out a room quickly? Start playing muskrat love loudly. You are welcome.
Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"
Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.
What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
Every time I see a "Baby On Board" sticker on a car, I cant help but think to myself, "Bonus points!"
if you can just walk away like nothing happened then it never mattered to you in the first place 