Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When the guy in your office says he's going bowling on his own, you've got to ask yourself, 'have I got enough friends

   Jobs of your boss: 5% to pay your wages. 95% to annoy the hell out of you

   FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.

   Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"

   Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.

   Valentine's Day was a lot of fun, but now what do I do with the body?

   I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;)

   1 day i'm gonna be telling my kids about payphones, no cell phones or internet & the video games aren't portable....& the kids will think it's a fairy tale

   They say you can't make jokes about blind people, just watch me.

   My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order

   I just want to play cards with a priest so I can say... Forgive me father for I have ginned

   Why use ADT when you can use an AK-47?

   It seems Animal Planet has combined with CMT...

   when the police were doing the chalk outline of Whitney Houston's body, her spirit rose up & tried to snort it

   I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.

   I decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year!

   Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.

   I write comedy for smart people... that´s why I dont get some of my jokes.

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   My recliner rocks!