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God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but He probably hired Steve to help decorate the garden. 
What wine goes best with Cheerios..?
Its like a sowna in here...no more pantilonies
My house looks like a tornado sat around on Facebook all day.
My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.
If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!
My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.
I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.
Women have an amazing gift of making you feel wrong for being right.
The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.
I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.
A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!
How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…
I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.
It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.
Why are the other countries celebrating our presidents day by dancing, pointing and laughing?
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.
We should have a "Homeless" Day....celebrated with sales of anything in a large cardboard box and maddog
Wonders who first decided that female genitalia resembled a beaver? Was there a flat flapping tail? Teeth? 