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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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02-20-2012 15:03 by
SuthernFukr
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Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!
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02-20-2012 15:02 by
SuthernFukr
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As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".
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02-20-2012 15:00 by
SuthernFukr
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PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.
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02-20-2012 14:10 by
acreak
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I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.
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02-20-2012 13:48 by
XX-FOXY
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When the cop asked me to recite the ABC's I did it perfectly... He didn't particularly care for the "next time won't you sing with me" part though.
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02-20-2012 13:29 by
bergdaveberg
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Sitting on the toilet growing a tail.
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02-20-2012 12:31 by
Bill C.
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Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.
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02-20-2012 12:29 by
K-Mac
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My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & sh@t like that is why I'm never sober.
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02-20-2012 12:23 by
fadolo
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Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.
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02-20-2012 12:07
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Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"
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02-20-2012 12:06 by
fadolo
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In Canada, we don't divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" we just call it "liking different hockey teams"
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02-20-2012 12:04
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Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.
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02-20-2012 12:04
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Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet.
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02-20-2012 12:02
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God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but He probably hired Steve to help decorate the garden.
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02-20-2012 12:00
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What wine goes best with Cheerios..?
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02-20-2012 11:59
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Its like a sowna in here...no more pantilonies
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02-20-2012 11:56
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My house looks like a tornado sat around on Facebook all day.
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02-20-2012 11:13
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My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.
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02-20-2012 10:59 by
flinnie
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If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!
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02-20-2012 10:55 by
XX-FOXY
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