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going to upload a cat picture, but I don't like them! 
Throwing ice at people who need to chill the fu@k out.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin.
My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.
I wasnt that drunk man. Dude you asked a bum if you could bum a cig.
Why can't Danzig have a normal lunch box like every other kid?
Ive been to the good side. The cookies were stale.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”
What the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH What my kids read: Touch when nobody is looking
since mens undershirts are called wife beaters, women should call their brasseirs nut crackers
sometimes...the nut doesnt fall far from the sack
Facebook is a major city, Twitter is a vacation spot, and My space is a ghost town.
Guys note: When a woman offers to help you paint your bedroom ceiling, she means butterflies and flowers using Dutch Boy and a brush.
Oh, you wear a NORTHFACE Jacket ? You must go on sooo many adventures......
what's black and white and red all over? A newspaper for people who can't spell well!
asked by an employee for a raise...so I gave him a baby-booster seat
called work and called in sick. I was told I cannot as I have taken all my entitled sick leave. I said "No...I meant I'm calling in as sick from work"
Dear Me, I just wanted to remind you that it's okay to say "No" once in awhile. I'll let you in on a little secret-the world will go on! Love, Me
Some people in your life are there to serve a certain purpose, well this is your notice your services are no longer needed. 