Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Study shows 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. Not me, though. I live next door to 2 really hot middle school girls. 
Snooki's due date is December 21st, 2012. Well played, Mayans...well played.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
The next time someone tells me they feel like a million bucks I'm going to try to deposit them into my checking account.
The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'
I don't think it's by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren't high enough to hang yourself from.
About the sperm that won...I think there was race-fixing.
Beer can with a british accent sounds like bacon with a jamaican accent
I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I've got to say,, I'm pretty surprised that “yell for help” wasn't one of them.
Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?
I need a pity pity bang bang
I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?
I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"
Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.
There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.
Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.
Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.
Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President. 