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Desperate Housewives is on my TV.... I am DESPERATE trying to find the remote to turn this crap off!! 
I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"
Get 10 Parmesan Bread Bites for a buck when you order 2 pizzas for 5.99...we can do this cause our pizza's $uck.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."
Sasha Gray,Bree Olsen,Lisa Ann,Lela Star,Mone Devine,Jasmine Byrne,Liz Vicious,Jade Marcella,Lavish Styles,Sky Lopez and Little Lupe......If all those names sound familiar to you I have news for you.
I bet the "most beautiful teen contest" is ran by some 40 year old perv in the back of a rape van.
I saw a homeless guy in a dumpster today. Why would anyone throw away a perfectly good person?
My cat got a "YOL9x" tattoo across it's stomach.
Insomnia is nature's way of saying you're not done bugging people for the day.
Look at the risks men take when they meet a woman, if they are lucky...they get screwed otherwise they get screwed for life;)
When I have to put on one of those thick leather weightlifter belts to take a crap, I know it's time to eat some vegetables.!
You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.
FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour!
Gotta love the siri iphone 4. My friend farted in the car and siri new we had pizza..!!
I haven't changed my clock since last year so today my clock is finally right!
Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.
Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.
I was a real stud in bed last night. We started having sex at 1:57 am and finished at 3:05 am.
(-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)> }¡{ Dammiit Dude quit chasing that butterfly & get back over here
Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on ......... 