Funny Status Messages

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money

   Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

   Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio

   You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

   Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

   I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

   Mandating masks outdoors is like mandating seatbelts when you’re not in a car.