SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   2011's hot new toy is "Outsource-Me Elmo," which comes in an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   Who else is hiding in the bathroom at their mom's house drinking?

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.

   Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   I haven't received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol.

   If you were a ten year-old boy, what would you want most from Bath and Body Works?

   Like Johnny Cash, I walk the line. Mine's the one between "total slob" and "extreme hoarder."

   There are no rules for Holiday Family Fight Club, just a series of passive-aggressive statements.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.