Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

   After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right." Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.

   What if there's money hidden behind every wall in my house? What if there's a sale on sledgehammers? What if sh*t's about to get crazy?

   If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   Well I'm turning 33 in a few weeks and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth.

   Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from.

   My GF is eating tortilla chips. It sounds like she's eating glass shards and gravel.

   I speak fluent apology.

   My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women."