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Its not cheating if I wasn't feeling like myself that night right? 
men only get their great ideas in bed because their plugged into a genius!
If she's not flexible, she's not textible.
B0ners are just d!cks that stand up for what they believe in.
I think that kid has got too big and fat for the show to be called 'Two and a Half Men' anymore.
LOOK AT THIS GUY FLASHING HIS GANG SIGNS AT ME! Grandma please! He is deaf!
Alcohol was created as a social lubricant, to make men brave and women loose.
Justin:mom one day I'm going to the moon . Mom: too late justin nasa stopped sending monkeys long time ago.jg
If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.
hey guys you can pretty much call a girl whatever you want as long as you put skinny in front of it
I don't care what ANYONE says. He's MY dog, he's grown, & if he wants to get a tattoo, who am I to stop him?
Like a good Neighbor, Stay over there.
While playing football with friends: Fat guy = goalkeeper.
To all those who said I couldn't make jokes about blind people... watch me.
I Hate Fake people! Go back to China where you were made!
someone ate half my black crayon, the built in box sharpener is jammed, I have checks to write, gonna be one of those days
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.
whatever happened to Gallant and Gufus?
tried to get a tattoo but it hurt, so I just got dots with numbers..You make the connection
Every Sunday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did! 