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Dear sweaty bum who sits on the stoop where I work. Clock me in at 6:45 and I promise to be there at noon to buy you a happy meal 
Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable
The Subaru Impreza comes with 11 airbags....maybe it would be easier if all cars were just made by nerf
Clearly, they've run out of reality show ideas, just like hollywood..really? The Three Stooges?
Oprah needs to admit she's a lesbian trapped in a fat mans body
Having a back-up plan means your main plan sucks!
As a driver, I hate pedestrians... as a pedestrian, I hate cars... WTF I'm walking here!
Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.
Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?
I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.
There is going to be no easy way to tell my GF that I'm leaving her. Mainly as she's deaf and I don't know sign language.
will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat
GUY: Babe, let's go to the zoo! GIRL: Sorry but I'm not ready to meet your family.
You do look pretty. At night. Behind a wall. With a bag on top of your head. To a Blind Person. If they turned around. Just maybe.
Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.
I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.
When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."
Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I notice one thing in common with almost all the detective shows...shallow grave...c'mon people ..if you werent so lazy, you wouldnt be in prison..
Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans." 