Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Bobby Brown has a movie deal and a book about his life called "Higher than a muthafker".

   I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   when you go to the doctor & he wants to shake your hand, do you wonder what he did to his last patient with that hand & if he washed it before shaking yours?

   my girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.. apparently " heating your dinner " wasn't the right answer.

   in this day and age, slow and steady dont win anything...nitrous induced breakneck speed and partial mental instability wins the race...

   Tiger Woods fired his caddie today. I guess he'll have to wash his own balls and polish his own putter now.

   The Dough boy died of a yeast infection. He's survived by his wife Jayne & daughter, Dill Dough. Services to be held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

   A good rich old lady with a terminal illness is so hard to find these days...

   Man arrested after calling 911 three times to request a hooker. In his defense, the term "police escort" is kind of vague.

   Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

   I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

   Tithing - Money is the root to all evil ... enough said.

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   My update for the week. See you next week.

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

   Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitc$es."

   Marijuana IS a gateway drug.. It leads to sweatpants and Cheetos.

   The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

   Did Obama really sign a bill in secret making free speech illegal during protests???? So the first amendment is almost gone. Liberty is truly dying by the months.