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Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms. 
Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.
A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"
If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!
ladies just so you know when you are wearing yoga pants all we are looking at is the outline of your pu$$y..
There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.
When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
My plan for getting out of work tomorrow relies heavily on two of my best skills--lying and tampering with fire extinguishers.
You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed
Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.
Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.
For you non-believers, the Bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.
I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."
Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.
Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!
Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.
Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels....
I don't want a cow, I just wanna drink the milk. 