Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

   If Rihanna "loved the way it hurt", she'd still be with Chris Brown.

   Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, so get in the van!

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over & over so your friend knows "exactly" where you are.

   XBox Kinect - Just one more thing people in wheelchairs can't enjoy.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a effin spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that's why I don't eat raisins.

   I was once in a band called Bulimia. We were sick

   It must be a tough for someone who suffers with Bulimia and OCD. Imagine eating alphabet soup & trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.

   My friend recently died whilst playing golf. Police say they are unsure what the cause of death was but I'm certain it was a stroke.

   Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   Best Christian pick up line " I was reading the book of numbers and then I realized I did not have yours "

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.