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Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson. 
Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.
For you non-believers, the Bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.
I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."
Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.
Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!
Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.
Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels....
I don't want a cow, I just wanna drink the milk.
US soldier accused of Kiling 16 Afghans ....Well damn bring these troops home...they're stressed the fu*k out!
When I die, I want my ashes scattered in front of the TV.
"You must be out yo damn mind" = your behavior is very unorthodox and very contradictory towards my wishes
"A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert
You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.
Dear Karma, There seems to be a serious issue with your records keeping software. Please work on that... and I expect a full refund.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes a lot faster when you get close to the end.
With the larger amount of stupid people I get to deal with on a daily basis, I thought lobotomies came back in style .
Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers
I have inside jokes with complete strangers.... 