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The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field 
Happy Sorta Sucks to be the Savior Day...Because it is a farcry of a Good Friday fro him.
Dear Syrian President Bashar Assad: if you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks, may I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber and Kardashians?
Welp, my facebook wall is full of religion today (Good Friday). This makes me exempt from attending Mass later, right?!?! Pretty sure I've been preached to enough for a day.
If the rubber doesn't fit, don't do it.
CheapEasyFast is for Traffic School not your women
Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree
I heard “The Thong Song” three times today! Did Sisqo die or something?
I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.
Kim Kardashian dating Kanye? The only thing bigger than Kim's ass is Kanye's ego. They must balance each other out.
NEWS FLASH: Dodgers announce opening-day promotion: first 1000 fans get a set of "HIV & HER" bathroom towels
The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...
If you take relationship advice from Taco Bell hot sauce packets... Congrats, you have reached rock bottom.
I wouldn't consider myself Single, more like I'm in a relationship with Freedom!
afros are comin back, thats cool......makes hiding easter eggs so much easier
I know dream catchers don't work,, because I've never seen one in a car worth more than three thousand dollars.
if they get defensive they are almost always guilty
When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "Wow, who knew they had wi-fi up there?"
My Ex went to her Dr.'s looking for something to treat headaches... He gave her some pills and said to give one to everyone she meets.
I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion... 