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My GF did something last night with her mouth that all men love. She shut it. 
Christianity is a complete waste of time and resources.
Just won the lotto but can't find my ticket
OH MY LORD!! I nearly sat on the toilet without my android...
I was skeptical at first so I waited to see if the hype was true. And I'll have to say this was a good Friday.......
My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.
It's only a matter of time until Facebook adds “friend-zoned” as a relationship status.
For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!
Best prank call ever: "Hello, Dominos?"... "Yes, how may I help you?"... "What's the number to call Pizza Hut?"
Word of Advice: No matter what city you live in, no matter where you travel, there will always be douche bags there.
I guess killer bees have taken a back seat since pit bulls are roaming the streets.
I am in no condition to talk about you're feelings(I'm a man)
I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.
When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi.
My status makes others look like tweets, my profile picture is a work of art, I am quite simply the most interesting man on Facebook
You make me hold it for 250 miles, good luck on the last twenty feet A$$HOLE!-Bladder
The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
everybody knows the real good friday is in two weeks 4/20
Of the seven deadly sins, I consider Dopey the worst.
I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard. 