Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Shaggy is the biggest stoner, you've never seen smoke.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   Anti Single Ply TP

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   Does anyone know the name of that rap song where they talk about weed and b!tches?

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.. Now we have like 50 million dumb guys still posting a bad joke over and over

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...

   Give a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'd stop after a day & be like "Screw that. It was way easier wen you guys just got me fish"

   Scientists in Southampton claim to have created a wonder drug for period pain........... Personally, I use earplugs.

   A wise man once said........ relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   I remember my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket... "Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   Who the hell watches Ellen Degeneres? she's almost as funny as the death of an immediate family member.

   An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.

   Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.