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When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?" 
"London Resident will have stationed on their rooftops batteries of surface to air missiles during the Olympics" ...What the hell are the expecting? The London Blitz of 2012?
They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.
Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.
If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'
Sex is like high school...you miss a period and you're in trouble.
Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd so tap the sh!t out of that.'
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal. ;-)
I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names.,
I must love my work...I love to sit and stare at it for hours....that's love right????
If I agree with you we'd both be wrong
Dear Spongebob, you're such a copycat. You live in Bikini Bottom & you're super absorbent? Sincerely, annoyed tampons.
When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.
If we're going to check Mexicans for their citizenship, can we check Justin Bieber for his too?
Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser and Beer makes you look better..
advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"
Dropped a piece of ice in the kitchen. Kicked it under the fridge...
Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during s3x. 